One of my major faults, I feel, is that I can hold onto a grudge longer than a statue can hold its pose.
In the past nearly two years, I have turned around a lot of my behavior and general outlook on life, and myself, due to the discovery of Taoism and it's messages. I have, in general, become a more positive person in my everyday and have become much more of a fan of Dave. I, still, am very hard of myself with the occasional slip into the world of self deprecation, more so recently than when I am getting regular nights of sleep, but there has definitely been an improvement.
So last night, I had a bit of an epiphany. As many of you know, I have resurrected my dormant theatre company, MidCity Productions, and we are slated to make our New York City debut one week from tonight. In the past few months, I have been on virtually no auditions, and for those of you that know me, that is very rare.
My two year anniversary in New York was February 19th, 2014, and by that time I had tallied over 180 auditions. Truth be told, auditioning is something I really enjoy doing. I don't get to perform as much as I want to, so those 45 seconds is my time to perform. To get my kicks in. To get it out of my system until the next time.
But the past few months have been filled with meetings, rehearsals, and hours upon hours of planning how to get this theatre company up and running. I made the vow to myself and my staff that I would not audition for any summer stock because, if I were to book something, it would not be fair to them for the Artistic Director to leave town for three months, leaving them the burden of starting a company. The first few weeks were difficult, truth be told, because I felt like I was neglecting the reason I was in New York. But I wasn't. Just because I wasn't actively seeking employment with another theatre production/company, doesn't mean I wasn't fulfilling my reason for being in this city. I was starting my own theatre company. And trust me, that is definitely doing something.
Ok, so that is the exposition.
Now we turn the clocks back to April 2012. Or somewhere around that time. Maybe it was August. Either way it was over two years ago. This was the day of the first open call for the National Tour of Green Day's 'American Idiot.' I had auditioned for this show several times before, but it was for the Equity required six-month (or whatever they are) call when the show is on Broadway. But this was actually the first time I had a chance to fill a role in the company.
I have been a die-hard Green Day fan since I was twelve when I bought their album 'Nimrod' before I went to Australia. It stayed in my CD player for the entire two weeks and by the time I came back home, I knew every lyrics to every song on that CD...except for 'Last Ride In' which is an instrumental.
When I got the opportunity to see 'American Idiot' on Broadway, I was like a kid given carte blanche at Toys 'R Us. The only thing to sweeten the deal was that, at the time, St. Jimmy was being played by Billie Joe Armstrong. Now, I was dead. I won't give you a review of the show here, so all I will say is that I wanted to go back the very next day. I haven't stopped raving about it.
So when I saw the audition call for the National Tour, I knew nothing was going to stop me from going to that. So for weeks and weeks, I practiced, tried out different songs, listened to Pandora non-stop for songs that would be a good fit for the audition. I finally chose my song.
The day had arrived and I arrived at Chelsea studios at 4:30 am to stand in line for this audition. For those of you not familiar with the audition scene, this is actually a completely normal time for a show as popular as American Idiot. So I waited in line, got my number, was going to be seen before lunch, and was overall very confident.
Long story short. It was the worst audition I ever gave. Before entering the room, the headstock of my guitar smacked against the door frame, sending the guitar wickedly out of tune. So the retuning had to happen in front of the auditor while trying to not look like a complete putz wasting her time. After trudging through the song, which was on par for a rousing round of 'boos' from any karaoke bar, I slipped into a funk that I couldn't break for three days. I was seriously ready to give everything up after the one audition.
My girlfriend at the time, try and try as she did, had every effort to cheer me up shoved right back in her face by me. Real mature. I still feel bad for the way I treated her that week, deflecting every attempt to raise my spirits as if it were some sort of malintentioned tennis ball.
That was over two years ago. Remember how I said I hold a grudge for too long.
Last night was the first time since that audition that I listened to anything 'American Idiot' related, be it the 2004 studio album or the Broadway Cast Recording. I have listened to plenty of Green Day since, but not a note of anything 'American Idiot.'
Last night, it was time to get over myself. There is a (wonderful) documentary on Netflix called 'Broadway Idiot' which is about the journey the show took from workshop sessions to Billie Joe's Broadway debut as St. Jimmy. And seeing all the actors in that documentary that were involved with the show, and seeing Billie Joe's revelation of what theatre and the comradery happens in a cast was exactly what I needed to tell myself,
'Dave...get the FUCK over yourself. So what, you had a bad audition. It happens. Ease up on your self. Enjoy yourself. Know that you did it. It's better than bombing a show in front of thousands of screaming fans, which, in 20+ years in the business, I am sure Green Day has done.'
DISCLAIMER: This is not to insult Green Day, but bad shows happen. I have had them and I'm no where as experienced in live performances or as famous as Billie Joe, Mike, or Tre.
So back to why I started rambling. I know full well, and have accepted, that with my new role of Artistic Director of my company that is about to swan dive in New York, my ability to audition and perform elsewhere will be heavily limited. This is completely ok with me. This is what I signed up for. For this, I have no regrets or hard feelings at all.
But I will be in American Idiot.
I am going to rededicate myself to my training and really make it focused on developing my guitar playing, my singing rock vocals, and expanding my rock repitoire. There is nothing has ever beaten me that I haven't risen back up against and gave it another fight.
I've never really had a 'dream show' that I would drop everything to be in. This is that show. It's a goal. And goals are set to be achieved.
And I will.
Abide and ramble on
Stish
ps - Listen to both albums if you haven't. They are amazing.
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